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A Bargain Too Far GULF SHORES, Alabama - It's great to be on vacation again, particularly here. Few beaches in the United States are as beautiful as the sugary white beaches of Alabama's Gulf coast. We come here at least once a year for some well needed relaxation. This year is a definite improvement over last because I haven't had to unplug anyone's CD player or threaten to permanently fuse a "boom box" to the anatomy of some moron who's screeching the exceedingly vulgar lyrics of some rap "song". I have daughters whose young, tender ears will be protected at all costs. Oh yes, they will. But, of course, given the infamous Cox luck, something simply had to go wrong. This time it was shark attacks. Two triathletes were injured while we sit here, only the second recorded "unprovoked" shark attack in Alabama history. Strange, as word of the shark attacks made the rounds the folks from Wisconsin, staying 2 doors down, thought we were talking about attorneys. Oh well.
Swimming With the Sharks This reminded me, however, of recent exploits which felt very much like skinny dipping with a flotilla of Charcharodon carcharias. Despite years of playing on the Internet, I rarely ordered products from the web. Something overcame me and propelled me into a shopping frenzy. My life was changed. Part of my change of heart was due to the animals at dealmac. They pointed me to a 128 MB memory module for my desktop computer so cheap that I could not resist. I caught my wife in a weak moment and said, very lowly, "I'm getting some more memory." I thought she said something which I took to be in the affirmative. I dialed a 1-800 number and gave them my credit card number. A couple of days later it arrived. Snap, click, voila. I'm now running 224 MB of RAM. I can open Photoshop, Illustrator, BBEdit, AppleWorks, and that 50 MB sucking 0S 9 simultaneously. I have a RAM Disk of 4.3 MB. I am no longer a mere mortal. A day later I saw AccelerateYourMac had reviews of a 20GB EIDE drive available at Staples which will fit in my beige G3 desktop - for a mere $125. Wow! The 4GB drive that came with it is cramped by now. I call staples.com and shout "Give it to me straight. I can take it." They oblige. The next day dealmac pointed out a $20 off coupon which would have dropped the priced to a vulgar $105. Hmmm. The price to pay for fast reflexes, I rationalized. Two or three days later, one Maxtor DiamondMaxPlus 7200RPM 20GB hard drive accompanies a deliveryman to the front door of Cox Manor. Inside the box - a bonus surprise. Adobe Photoshop LE is included! Operation "Big Mama" commences. It is an instant success. Reformat the drive with Apple's Drive Setup and away we go. I just dragged the OS folder from the old 5400RPM drive to the new, let it copy over, and restart. (Ask any Windows administrator if they'd try that trick, by the way.) The streaks of shimmering color flashed across the screen. I blinked and shook my head. Holy Woodstock, Batman. I was whisked away to the 60's. Lights. Pretty lights. Had I now escaped the confines of time and space? Was I delivered 30+ years into the past? Well, no, as it turns out. Those were the icons and control panels sizzling across the screen. My friend, Bob, professional Mac LAN manager, sucks in air. He is stunned. I am somewhat disappointed. Nevertheless, with the addition of "Big Mama", I am a demigod. Move over Hercules. Where's that Xena chick?
A New Monitor The screams of color that were my extensions and control panels loading were being viewed on the screen of a 21" NEC MultiSync E1100+. While cruising dealmac one evening, I discovered a link to a special at buy.com - $599 for the monitor. I couldn't believe it. I called my friend Bob who said "You must get it. Tell Patricia I said you had to have it." I did. It worked. Apparently I was now capable of bending others' minds to my will. I had developed psychic abilities above those of ordinary men. Was I gifted with mutant powers? Could I be the next X-Man?
Inside Every Cloud... The day after ordering the monitor, I received confirmation of the order with buy.com via email. It confirmed a "remanufactured monitor." Hey! Wait a minute. It didn't say "remanufactured" anywhere when I ordered it. I'm going to make someone pay. I have super powers now, you know, even if I can't warp time. I'm not to be trifled with. I went back to dealmac to see if I'd overlooked anything. Now an "update" had been posted noting that the monitors were "remanufactured". Well, since every monitor I've ever had wound up being rebuilt anyway, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. Yes, that's it. It had to be. I was on a roll. I was superhuman. I could do no wrong, after all.
Another My new best friends at dealmac had posted a link to outpost where an unbelievable bargain on Corel PrintOffice 2000 was found - $49.95 before a $20 rebate. The stars, the planets, the dogs' food bowls, indeed everything in the world was now in conjunction. There was no luck greater than mine. I was now certain I could leap from tall buildings and painlessly bounce like a super ball. (I am, however, too busy shopping on the world wide web to test the theory.) I called Corel to make sure I understood the rebate instructions. The extraordinarily sweet and helpful lady assured me it was a no-brainer. I entered my credit card info into the ether and buy, buy, buy. Shortly a package was delivered. Into the mail went my rebate request. Money in my pocket; sure as shootin'!
And Another Some site which I cannot recall sent me rushing to Warehouse.com for a bona fide steal on a Farallon Starlet/4 Ethernet hub w/Uplink complete with "Cable, Patch, Cat 5, Color Red, 3 Feet". I had my own network. I had graduated from user to network administrator. I could now levitate.
What? A card arrived in the mail. Corel tempted the fates by telling me that the rebate on PrintOffice 2000 was only available on bulk purchases. Huh? Show me where it said that anywhere. I can't find it. I now see why Corel's getting their butt kicked. About that time my friend Bob called to tell me he'd received the same message from Epson regarding the printer he'd just bought. A well organized Internet scam? A fiendish NAZI plot? Maybe the stars were no longer in alignment. I don't know. But this shouldn't be happening to me. I am invulnerable. The web was my domain and I was master of all I saw. [Editor's Note: Is anyone else dizzy yet?]
I am Mortal, Here me Roar I searched the web for custom license plates, perchance to purchase for my bride something which would proclaim her Irish heritage from the front of her new vehicle. After a maddeningly long time, I found a promising site. I called to order, not quite trusting to enter my credit card info into the form for some reason. They took my order. The plate never came. I was feeling pain and entertaining doubts of my superhuman abilities.
The Last Straw My oldest daughter's 11th birthday approached and she craved a "Baby-G" watch by Casio. Apparently this is the latest craze/rip-off as all the local craze/rip-off stores were completely sold out of anything remotely approaching the model she wanted. No problem. Off to the promised land - the world wide web. A search turned up several on-line purveyors of "Baby-G" watches. Some never passed the most cursory examination. The list was narrowed. I finally determined the most likely source of a bargain, The Time Club and find exactly the watch the young lass desires. Feeling giddy at my good fortune, I screwed up the courage to enter my credit card number on the Internet I selected express shipping. I was graced by an "order received" email next time I checked. It was promised within days. All is good in the world. Surely I will be able to cure hunger and disease next. About two weeks later, no watch. My daughter's birthday neared and no watch. I write to "The Time Club" to tell them I'm on to their little scam and I'm going to make them famous via this column. They reply: Your order has been sent already on last Thursday. Please allow a few days for the delivery. Email us when you receive your watch and we thank you for your business.
A Return to Planet Earth
While we're down here at the beach, we bought my oldest daughter a custom airbrushed T-shirt. I spent some time talking with Michael Johnson, the artist at the Wings beach shop who made the shirt for us. Michael's a true artist. His work was simply the best I've ever seen. He showed me some of the things he was making for friends and they were simply mind bogglingly beautiful. It turns out that Michael is a stop-motion video artist who's trying to set up his own studio. His hero is Ray Harryhausen. Producing custom T-shirt, auto tags, etc. is raising the money he needs to build his studio. You know, I wish I'd bought my wife her car tag from Michael. The fact that she actually would have gotten it is one advantage, for sure. So is the fact that I'd have had a little control over the exact custom design. But more importantly, because there's a certain element involved in interacting with human beings that just isn't possible with shopping through the world wide web, I enjoyed dealing with Michael. Michael and I chatted about computer platforms - he uses NT. We talked about different applications and the benefits and difficulties of bitmapped images vs. vector images. We had a great time - until my family told me to come on or they were going to leave me with my new friend. I'll still shop on the Internet from time to time. I'll just be doing it from a very different perspective. We need more Michael Johnsons in the world and a whole lot less Time Clubs. Even if Michael uses Windows NT, he's a great guy and I wish him the best. Time Club, on the other hand, can rot in hell. Now, where's my Dad's Father's Day gift I ordered from Land's End?
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